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Richie Benaud - 10

In the midst of the Tiger Woods sex scandal, Richie Benaud stuck to his A-game in this test. Adhering to the age-old unwritten commentary team pact that what Tony Greig does after hours in his hotel room is strictly a private matter, Benaud brought some much-needed dignity back to the sports media arena.

Michael Slater - 9


Slats' enthusiasm continues to win the hearts of the punters and he has been very public in offering Tiger Woods a shoulder to cry on in a difficult time. Sources close to the commentary team suggested that he really was just after a few phone numbers, but Slater refused to confirm or deny this, pointing to Craig McDermott as living proof of the fact that ex-cricketers did not generally get mixed up in this sort of thing and led quiet lives out of the spotlight.


Bill Lawry - 8


Lawry's largely bland commentary nonetheless provided the odd moment of Brilliance, such as this exchange with Benaud after correctly identifying some species of bird in the surrounds of the Adelaide oval:

Lawry (on one bird that was prominently displaying its tail feathers) : "That one's just showing off!"

Benaud: "what makes you say that?"

Lawry: "Have a close look, Rich!"

Tony Greig - 5

Greig's pitch report was once again way off the mark: "I predict it'll go right down to the wire" was his pre-match statement. The match was called off 6 overs early, completely destroying Grieg's credibility.


Mark Taylor - 5

Taylor has often been described as having an excellent cricket brain. Somewhere between brain and mouth, things seem to go horribly pear shaped for the former skipper.

Ian Healy - 2


Having been groomed for TV early through a guest appearance on Burke's Backyard, David Gyngell originally had Healy Pencilled into replace the great man, with the show to be renamed "Heals' Backyard" Unfortunately, after media preview screenings of the pilot, this idea had to be ditched once certain unkind journalists began referring to the show as "Heals' Backside". With few options available to them, the Channel 9 bosses at first wanted to put him on 'Farmer Wants a Wife', but eventually settled on the cricket commentary so he could be heard but not seen.

Ian Chappell - 1


The only one of the Chappell Brothers not to be involved in the underarm incident, Ian's lack of imagination remains with him to this day, where he maintains a strictly 'overarm' approach to his commentary, rendering it devoid of any humour, except when the producers forget to turn his mic off during ad breaks and the viewer is treated to a profanity-laden explanation of exactly how he would win the game if he were captain.

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3rd Ashes test - Day 1 wrap

July 31st 2009 07:21
With Phillip Hughes tweeting loudly as he was pushed out of the nest, it was time for Shane Watson to take up the ugly stick and beat the Poms around the head a little.

"I thought he would fly" said coach Tim Nielsen of Hughes treatment at the hands of the selectors. Hughes responded by twittering the first 160 characters of War and Peace, before retreating to the corner to suck his thumb.

While Selector Merv Hughes had long been suspicious of Hughes technique both against the short ball and when tackling the famous Lords warm chicken salad, Brad Haddin's exit from the team before a ball had been bowled was somewhat of a surprise. Well, a surprise to Haddin, at least, who never saw it coming until Graham Manou congratulated him on his wicketkeeping performance in the second test with a handshake that broke Haddin's finger.

Manou later denied any involvement, and claimed he had merely offered a wet fish handshake, which Merv Hughes had mistaken for a real fish. Before you knew it, one thing had led to another, and Merv had his chompers firmly around Haddin's digit.

After the rain, and a false alarm from Noah, who rocked up with his ark to take two English cricketers on board only to find that super soppers were more advanced than back in JC's day, the two teams finally got down to hostilities, and Simon Katich was the main aggressor, hitting the ball like it was Michael Clarke. Graeme Swann eventually proved to be his undoing, however Watson and Ponting survived until stumps and will resume again on day 2 looking to stamp the map of Tasmania on the cricketing map.
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Not content with limiting his leaks to underneath the billiards table at the Bourbon & Beefstake, Ricky Ponting has gone one step further and leaked the makeup of the Australian team for the 3rd Ashes test, starting tomorrow. Ponting also included a short note on each player. Anyway, here is the lineup:

1:Jamie Cox
A fellow Tasmanian, former opening bat for the Apple Isle and of course, as a selector, perfectly placed to replace the out of form Phillip Hughes with himself. I've always been of the opinion in any case that two heads are better than one.

2: Jason Gillespie
He sure as hell showed he couldn't bowl in England, but on a flat pitch his tight defensive technique could be just what we need to make this the dullest game of cricket possible. In light of the fact that the crowd do need some sort of entertainment however, I've given him license to, upon reaching his century, ride his bat up and down the pitch, before proceeding to insert it in Rudi Koertzen's posterior.

3: Ricky Ponting
Seriously, who else would captain the team? Shane Warne???? HA HA HA, you make me laugh!

4: Michael Hussey
I've tried to get rid of him, but he keeps ringing me up at 4 in the morning, telling me he's only one innings away from the big one. I've kept him in the side for the sake of getting a good night's sleep.

5. Michael Clarke
Kato and Pup refused to play in the same team together, so I was forced into a choice between the two. As i said to Kat, it's not that he's a better player than you, it's just that he brings Lara Bingle along to team dinners and it helps keep the morale up amongst the boys if she shows a bit of skin every now and then.

6. Theo Theophanous
Proved himself capable of getting through even the toughest enquiry. Not even the English seamers could get through his defenses, and his little seam-up wobblers could prove quite penetrating on a flat deck. Still i do have my doubts about his mental strength, and whether he is focused more on the cricket or the interior design of the changerooms. "Do they have red couches in the Ladies room?" I mean what sort of a question is that!

7. Robert Richter QC
About the only person left willing to defend Mitchell Johnson at this point in time

8. Michael Jackson
Even dead and with one glove, he'll do a better job then Brad Haddin

9. Stuart Macgill
Yes, i know he was shocking last time he played a test, but this is for the good of millions of cricket fans who can't stand to see another second of him on sbs!

10.Ben Hilfenhaus
Another Tasmanian, automatic inclusion really. Like all good opening bowlers, he swings both ways which is something that has definitely come into vogue only recently in Tasmania.

11. Phil Tuffnell
Sometimes when he was playing against us for England, his performances were so bad I felt he simply must be a double agent. Unfortunately Mark Waugh was never in on the joke. Anyway, now is the time to find out!
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lara bingle pup clarke
pic: news.com.au


In a stunning development for Australian cricket, Cricket Australia has finally relented to pressure from Michael Clarke and ruled that wives and girlfriends (WAG's) of the players will be allowed to accompany them on the upcoming ashes tour and the preceding training camp


[ Click here to read more ]
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Symonds to miss SA tour

February 3rd 2009 23:05
In another blow to his continuing efforts to smash David Boon's longstanding Australian Test team drinking records, Andrew Symonds has been left out of the upcoming tour of South Africa, due to his personal problems.

cow dirt
c'mon Roy, does this really look like Brendon McCullum to you?

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hayden's career is over!

January 9th 2009 09:57
While Matthew Hayden's omission from the Australian ODI and T20i teams does not come as a shock to many who follow the game, it certainly is a sad chapter in the relentless efforts of Andrew Hilditch and his selectorial team to rebuild the shattered image of Australian cricket.

While many took the opportunity to reflect on the momentous contribution Hayden has made to Australian cricket, others were not so kind. Former Prime Minister John Howard blamed Hayden personally for Australia's 2005 Ashes defeat and added that Hayden must also bear a good deal of responsibility for America's intelligence failures in the leadup to 9/11 and the subsequent bungled invasion of Iraq. Had Hayden done more to promote cricket in Iraq, Howard was misquoted as saying, it may have been possible to smuggle intelligence operatives in to the country disguised as former international umpires Harold 'dickie' Bird and Steve Randall


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Cousins: "I want Ponting's Job"

December 12th 2008 01:04

Not content with attempting to resurrect his AFL career, formerly disgraced, but now Jesus-like in resurrection, former West Coast Eagle Ben Cousins has set his sights on a higher goal: captaincy of the Australian test side.

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mahatma cote


In a shock move that has surprised many political commentators, Barack Obama has spurned his Democratic stablemate, Hilary Clinton, and instead appointed former Australian cricketer Greg Ritchie as secretary of state. Further, in a groundbreaking move, Ritchie will share the post with his alter-ego, Mahatma Cote


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Symonds rushed into test team

November 19th 2008 22:46
banana

Fresh from a well-earned break and a spot of fishing, Andrew Symonds - devoid of any emotional scarring following the India tour - has been rushed back into the team for the first test starting today at the Gabba.

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Ricky Ponting's right of reply

November 13th 2008 22:43
Today as I walked out to the mailbox to see if my subscription to Al-Qaeda had gone through yet, I was quite surprised to find a letter from Ricky Ponting outlining his frustrations at the speculation over his position. Although this has been coming from a number of sources in the media, Ponting felt particularly affronted by the treatment he had received from certain Orble blogs in particular.

his letter reads as follows


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