damianGreg Ritchie announced as U.S. Secretary of State
December 2nd 2008 02:07
In a shock move that has surprised many political commentators, Barack Obama has spurned his Democratic stablemate, Hilary Clinton, and instead appointed former Australian cricketer Greg Ritchie as secretary of state. Further, in a groundbreaking move, Ritchie will share the post with his alter-ego, Mahatma Cote.
Hilary Clinton could not be contacted for comment in relation to this announcement, however her team did release a pre-recorded video message in which Hilary, with Bill at her side, says "if you are watching this video, I have 'been passed over for the position of Secretary of State". However, far from being gracious in defeat, the video descends into a Clinton diatribe against both Ritchie and Cote, including salacious rumours that the two were sleeping together. Mrs Clinton finishes by labeling the appointment "a stain on the good name of the oval office", at which point Bill mysteriously says "I did not have sexual relations with this woman".
Some of Ritchie's former teammates were tracked down in the pub for comment on his appointment, but after a marathon nine-hour drinking session, our reporter was forced to concede he could not even remember who he was talking to, let alone what they said.
In Cote's home village in the Northern Punjab, reaction was predictably mixed. Mrs Cote remembered her husband as "a nice, caring man, until he left me for that bitch", but neighbours told stories of Cote's generosity. Each Saturday night, all the young orphans and street kids were invited round to his house where he would paint his face white and dress up as an Australian test cricketer. Cote's fake Aussie accent and jokes about philandering Australian males would always leave the kids grinning from ear to ear.
-Sports and All
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Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
This will hit back at the critics who thought that we could never again enjoy the "special relationship" that Howard did with G.W.Bush. It doesn't get anymore special than this, as Bruce McAveney would protest.
I look forward to seeing Richie attempt to play the role of himself and Mahatma Cote during a press conference. Hell, John Howard was able to play the dual role of P.M. and "cricket tragic" for years.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
A child of the '80's, Steve's plans to charm the very pants off spectators everywhere has added much to the rich literary tradition of diarists boring the very eyes out of the very head of those less fortunate.
Ritchie, conversely, a child of Sir Joh, was banished to India, where he hooked up with disgraced former PM Rumesh Ramasamy, and the two joined faeces to nurture such wonderul diplomatic talents as Ganguly.