damianCousins: "I want Ponting's Job"
December 12th 2008 01:04
Not content with attempting to resurrect his AFL career, formerly disgraced, but now Jesus-like in resurrection, former West Coast Eagle Ben Cousins has set his sights on a higher goal: captaincy of the Australian test side.
Cousins this week put Ponting on notice that, barring a clean sweep against South Africa, he would mount a full-scale assault on the position, and restore a culture of late-night drinking sessions to the team.
"Cricket has certainly come a long way since the time of Dougie Walters", Cousins admitted, "but that doesn't mean substance abuse should no longer play any part in an effective training routine at international level."
Sports and All contacted a number of experts in the field of rehabilitation to see whether Cousins really could complete his Lazarus-like comeback by scoring the nation's top job.
Counselor Mackie from South Park deliberately avoided controversy, saying (rather predictably) "drugs are bad, mmmkay?" However others were more forthcoming.
Former Essendon coach Kevin Sheedy remarked on what a good bloke Cousins was deep down and said he had offered Cousins full use of any support services he could provide. Sheedy's next-door-neighbour's daughter remarked that Cousins was a remarkably good-looking young man and she had offered him full use of herself while getting his life back on track. Her tennis partner agreed wholeheartedly and rather excitedly started to describe just what she would do with Cousins if he took up the offer.
But while this may entice new fans to the game of cricket, the question remains: would his on-field judgement be sound? We asked one of the best judges of judgement in the business: Judge Judy.
"I think he would have a tendency to leave fine leg vacant", Judy said after some consideration. "Now that's fine when things are going your way, but what if you have a batsman who is particularly strong off his pads and continues to score boundaries of wayward bowling through the fine-leg region? Someone would have to be held responsible for that, and if we look at the history of this man, most likely he would simply run away. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who run away! Let me tell you just what I would do with him if he came before my court, develishly handsome fellow that he is..."
With Judy's wise words ringing in our ears as we ran away, we came to the conclusion that Ponting's job may just be safe...for the moment
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