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Sports and All - November 2008

Symonds rushed into test team

November 19th 2008 22:46
banana

Fresh from a well-earned break and a spot of fishing, Andrew Symonds - devoid of any emotional scarring following the India tour - has been rushed back into the team for the first test starting today at the Gabba.

While the current selectors were tight-lipped about the reasons behind this move, former selector John Benaud was more forthcoming. "Basically they are looking for him to lead by example as he will be much fresher than the players who've just completed a tough tour of India. The rest of the team will take heart from his actions and that will lift their game to the next level. It's really just a case of 'monkey see, monkey do'"


Symonds himself refused to comment on the furore, or speculate on who would be the unlucky one to miss out on a spot. He also neither confirmed nor denied rumours that he was romantically involved with Jane Goodall.

Cricketing opinion around the nation was divided on the move. "Personally, I would have picked Cameron White", said Victorian captain Cameron White. But when I called up Andrew Hilditch, he teased me and called me 'Cameron Wide' so I knew then that there was a conspiracy against all Victorians attempting to make the test side.

Others were more supportive though. Bindi Irwin sent Symonds a congratulatory email, saying he was her favourite cricketer as every time she watched him play it reminded her of trips with her late father to the jungles of Borneo.

Today we will find out much about the character of Andrew Symonds. We will see whether he has come back stronger after his layoff, or whether he has well and truly gone bananas.
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Ricky Ponting's right of reply

November 13th 2008 22:43
Today as I walked out to the mailbox to see if my subscription to Al-Qaeda had gone through yet, I was quite surprised to find a letter from Ricky Ponting outlining his frustrations at the speculation over his position. Although this has been coming from a number of sources in the media, Ponting felt particularly affronted by the treatment he had received from certain Orble blogs in particular.

his letter reads as follows:

Dear Damian,
It recently came to my attention that your blog, Sportsandall, has been advertising for my position behind my back, when in fact it was never vacant in the first place (the position, that is, not my back, which is occupied by a rather large monkey).


As if to rub salt into the wound, it emerged that further to this, there have actually been a number of applications for this job. As if it wasn't bad enough for Norm to back Kenneth Branagh (who would it be next... Cameron White, for God's sake?), I then noticed that Sportingmind had the audacity to submit an application for none other than its chief political correspondant, David Edwards. I can tell you, I went absolutely apeshit when I saw that. Has the whole world gone bananas?

This position is NOT vacant and I have no intention of stepping down, I'm short enough as it is!

Let me also say I am sick of the continuing allegations linking Australian cricket with facial hair. It surprises and saddens me that the Australian media has descended to such petty trivialities. I mean the way these people carry on about facial hair, you would think they have something personal against the Queen mum.

Lastly, I would like to clarify once and for all that there are no monkeys in, around, or within any kind of proximity to the Australian team. I hope this clears the matter up once and for all and we can now go and watch bananas in pyjamas in peace.

Yours sincerely,
Ricky Ponting

CURRENT CAPTAIN of the Australian Cricket Team
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Cricket australia logo


Wanted: Highly motivated and ambitious cricketer, willing to lead from behind, excellent at taking orders (Bourbon and Beefsteak for me, poison for the wife), speaks only when spoken to and happy to toe the lion... sorry, I mean dragon... no, make that BCCI.

Must have proven ability to meet deadlines and knowledge of which worker is most suited to a particular task. Also desirable is an ability to perform tasks without being allocated the correct resources and personell.

The successful candidate will have a broad understanding of religion and a demonstrated capability to adapt their style when dealing with the religious and cultural aspects of touring life. In particular, an ability to negotiate offspinners of the Sikh faith and fast bowlers who may bear a passing resemblance to Jesus is highly desirable.

Applications to Cricket Australia before the next time we play India.
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